Here at Funny Biz Writers, writing roasts and funny speeches is our bread and butter. Whether it's a speech for a birthday, wedding, anniversary, bar mitzvah or a work-related event like a meeting, conference, convention or awards ceremony, we constantly custom write jokes to our clients' specifications. Instead of just telling you about what we do, though, we thought we'd show you. So here is a short excerpt from one of our client roasts, this one for a wife roasting her husband on his birthday...
Tom knows nothing about pop culture. Absolutely nothing. He thinks One Direction is a traffic sign and True Blood is an iron supplement.
He thinks he's a great cook but he's not. He once looked up the recipe for ice cubes. He thinks poaching an egg means shooting it while on safari. Tom was a serious hockey player in high school. He has the face to be a goalie. He was once timed to be the fastest skater, even beating various Boston Bruins. At the time he was skating down a waterfall.
Tom is still pretty strong, recently he beat some college kids in arm wrestling. To be fair, those kids were on the Math Team. Tom leans conservative; he gets his news from The Drudge Report online. That's one step above getting your news from bumper stickers.
Tom's favorite movie is Good Will Hunting and he can really relate to the title character- not because he's a misunderstood genius, but cause he's good at cleaning floors. Tom enjoys a cocktail on occasion- his favorite is a martini made with Grey Goose. That's his favorite vodka but he still doesn't understand how they get the goose in the bottle.
Tom loves making boats, and he's built several. One customer complained that their boat filled up with water, so Tom charged him for a swimming pool. Tom's latest wacky hobby is roasting coffee. He roasts it strong and gives it to all our friends. He's not being generous, he just wants them to stay awake for his stories.
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