Negotiating Traffic In Los Angeles

I live in Los Angeles, and like to go out and do things. As such I am forced to spend large quantities of time on roads and freeways that are often jammed with cars. You see, Los Angeles was basically built as this semi-tropical, utopian fantasyland many decades ago, possibly the first huge city designed as much or more around modern cars, as it was around subways, trolleys, walking or horse-drawn vehicles. LA's system of freeways, augmented by large boulevards and a grid of pleasant streets, allowed easy driving access in a metropolitan area where you'd thinking nothing of driving 20 minutes to visit a friend, dine at a restaurant or go to a job.

But then something not so weird happened- the population grew... and grew... and grew. People moved here from all other parts of the US... and Europe... and other continents. Perhaps even Atlantis, Narnia and Mars. They came for the warm weather and palm trees, the beach lifestyle, the Hollywood glamour; for aerospace jobs, possible entertainment success, or just to escape from their normal, mundane home and reinvent themselves in the bottom left corner of this giant nation. And then all these people multiplied, having enough kids that, when factored in with all the incoming new arrivals, meant that housing was no longer dirt cheap and it could take longer to drive 15 miles across town than it does to fly from Burbank Airport to San Francisco, over 400 miles and a cultural and climactic world away.

Here's the thing about driving through clogged roadways and freeways in LA- you've got to embrace it, accept it, make it your friend. If not, the level of rancor and bitter hatred coursing through your veins will certainly lead to disturbing physiological effects like acid reflux, insomnia and a semi-successful standup comedy career.

I like to play fun games with myself when sitting on a freeway, doing perhaps 5 to 25 miles an hour for a 10 mile stretch. While the games can be internal to your own mind, not involving your surroundings- like alphabetizing all of your friends, recalling all the times you were late to work and got yelled at, or mentally cataloging the times you dined at a restaurant that cost more than $25 per person (sadly few), that's a waste of an intensely vibrant, dynamic and colorful environment-- the middle of an LA traffic jam. 

One game I don't really like to play but my subconscious mind forces on me is "Who's Got a Gun?" You guessed it, it involves looking into other cars and trying to guess who might have a loaded handgun- or rifle if it's a larger vehicle- at the ready. After making the initial guess as to who might have a deadly weapon within arm's reach, you then guess "How likely / quickly would they be to use it?" Are they more of an absolute-last-ditch, gun doesn't come out unless it's a carjacking or aerial attack by North Korean paratroopers, or are they more of an impetuous, jumpy, pull out the Glock over a sideways look in traffic types? This game ends when A.) you get bored, B.) you get to your destination or C.) somebody pulls and waves a gun at you.

Another fun game is called "What Are They Listening To?" The adjacent folks in traffic- are they listening to rap, jazz, Country Western, oldies, classical, talk or sports? You can try to guess based on their bodily rhythms and head movements, but it's often tough. Unless they have those gargantuan 808 bass speakers and are cranking hip hop. Then it's easy to know, because your own car and body are vibrating violently enough to loosen a tooth filling and scramble your brain.      

The final game I recommend while stuck in LA traffic is "Are They Flirting With Me?" Car-to-car flirting can take many forms and styles. And, by the way, yes married people or those in serious relationships are still allowed to play this game. What happens on the horrible freeway stays on the horrible freeway! Did the person in the next lane give you an extra long glance when you let them in? Did they turn to stare at you then turn away immediately when you looked back? Did they seemingly ignore you completely, or appear to not register your existence at all, staring straight ahead? All three of these scenarios likely equal that they are madly in love- obsessed really- and it's time to get out of there and take an exit. It might feel thrilling but you don't need that kind of psychotic drama and romantic complications in your life. The only thing you should be falling in love with right now is driving in LA.